june 29, 2010

Im tired, i think i may be getting depressed. i am seriously in debt so today i asked Ben if he would let me borrow the money from him and pay him the 27.999999% interest. id rather be raped by someone i know. i think about all the shit i wanna do and how i havent done any of it. i was trying to help myself today. I tried to boost my self-confidence 25 killer actions to boost your confidence. It worked for a short time. i was scanning through Revolver- the movie which is about how the ego has played the most amazing trick on you, making you believe that you are it. so im thinking that maybe its my ego that feels hurt and if i do some confidence building it'll feel better. i think that soul to squeeze is one of the best red hot chilli pepper songs ever. im looking at Robery Williams art of which anthony is a huge collector.

The last time i saw my therapist, Ann, i told her that i had no self control. i constantly tell myself that i wont get high and still i do. well i first say no and then i give in and go for it. she wanted me to pay special attention to what happens in between when i say no and then say yes. She's off for vacation and i think ive figured it out. either im bored and i smoke so that whatever arduous task im doing becomes more pleasurable or because i dont wanna care and want to let loose and not be so controlling. the controlling is never helped by weed though, other substances yes but not weed. so im going to stop doing drugs as of today. the only method that has worked for me in the past is waking up in the morning and telling myself that "i will not do drugs today, just today" and allow myself to decide if ill do them the next day. it really works. so i will not do any drugs today. there, im getting so much better at self care and control.  yay

THE WILDCHILD ROARING AT EDC 2010