This is the first time im writing in the morning. i had the worst night ever last night and need to redirect that energy and get it out of my system. you know how sometimes at night youre not awake yet your not asleep either and you have thoughts but they dont come from you. well ive been pretty depressed lately. im not sure what triggered it but i feel myself going down. nothing is helping. i feel like a failure, i feel like i have nothing to look forward to and nothing to live for. i dont really want anything out of my life and i dont think i will get it even if i want it. i feel like my childhood was an absolute fail and that nothing i do could make that better again. i have many many regrets and im only 25 so i wonder how many regrets im going to have about this age. i know that i cant kill myself because i dont have the balls and there is some part of me that cares about the people around me. i cant do that to them, it would be the ultimate selfish act. IM STUCK. its very hard to move forward when im stuck. so i decided i am going to get up and write down positive things about myself. why i should like myself, which is the opposite of the script going on inside my head all of last night. i feel stupid doing this but i have heard from a few people that it works.
so here we go
- i am honest and kind- i dont ever really think about doing things to hurt people or stop them from their goals
- i am kind to all forms of life and respect all forms of life
- i am level headed and dont get angry very quickly which has helped out many times when with my friends and something goes wrong
- i can be very pretty at times
- i am always open and interested in new ideas and ways of living and doing things
- i am extremely adaptable to any situation or person
- i learn quickly and try hard
- i appreciate what i have
- im not an idiot (i dunno this one is a bit hard to believe but imma write it anyway)
- im a tomboy ( i like this about myself cause i know how to surf and skateboard, i know how to wrestle and start a fire- useful)
- i am a great listener
- i come up with great ideas to make thing better
- i am not persuaded by trends, if i like something i like them regardless of who doesnt. so for example i fucking love lenny bruce - im original
- i used to write poetry (i write used to cause i havent written anything for a while- dunno if i will again)
- i do theater
- i have curly hair
- im a vegetarian
- i make up new words
thats all i can think of right now, ill add to this list.
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